I recently attended a class on spiritual formation, where one of the topics discussed was the concept of “disordered desires.” The idea behind this is that the sins to which we often attach ourselves are the result of trying to meet a good, healthy desire through means that are contrary to the will of God. I had learned about this before, but was previously unsuccessful at identifying one for myself. This time, however, the scales were lifted and I immediately saw that: 1) my desire was to be desired, and 2) that experiences in my formative years made me feel that my mistakes made me undesirable.
This knowledge was revolutionary in itself, but a worldview this deeply engrained was going to take further unpacking. God patiently showed me that to Him, my mistakes made me more desirable because He longed for the barrier to be removed and for us to be reunited. I was the sheep that had wandered off!
Even in the midst of exploring this new information, though, I was feeling undesirable for taking so long to come to this realization (I said it runs deep). This time, God had to firmly tell me to “Stop it!” I needed to embrace his view of me and get rid of the one that the world had given me. One of the assignments for this class was to write a psalm, and doing so has helped to strengthen this newfound conception of myself.
Okay, now here's the psalm:
O Lord, I come before You;
I enter into your presence
Feeling undesirable,
Considering myself as one to be shunned.
Why, O Lord, have I strayed from Your path?
Why did I depart from Your ways?
At times I ignored Your urgent warnings,
In other instances I leapt before looking.
Yet the circumstances aren’t what matters,
My mistakes are what is the matter;
You cannot want me in Your presence;
I don’t deserve to be in Your sight.
And yet, somehow you tell me,
For some reason, you say
These things make me more desirable to You;
Like a small child with a skinned knee, You long to comfort me and make it better.
My departure causes You to enter into hot pursuit
Chasing after me with unyielding determination
This is why You are everywhere
So that when I turn back, You’re ready with open arms
But this still seems so unnatural
So contrary to Your nature
For You despise sin;
Should I not then be despised?
But then I remember the sacrifice of Your Son,
The blood that Jesus shed on the cross for me and for many
So that you would not see a sinner,
But instead would see one of your children hurting and want to remove the pain.
I have to remember,
I must continually remind myself that
Your ways are not my ways,
Your thoughts are not my thoughts,
Your conclusions are not my conclusions,
Your big picture is not my big picture.
And so, I will reject this categorization that has plagued me for so long;
I will refuse to believe something about myself that You tell me is untrue.
I will choose to put on this new identity;
I will embrace what has been true about me all along.
I remove myself from the category of “undesirable”
And put myself in the place designated “wanted”, “longed for”, “sought after”.
O, praise the Lord for His never-ending love!
Wonder at his unquenchable desire!
Let His saints rejoice in their desirability,
Let the sinners know God longs after them as well;
For He wants all His people to be His forever,
And all of humanity is still firmly in His sights.
Praise the Lord, for his extreme desire
Worship Him for the extraordinary step He took to win us back
Exalt Him, for He is most worthy to be desired
Stand in awe, for He desires…us.
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